Two days ago, I was reading a book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, and learned some interesting insights into recovery from abuse. Mainly, I realized that I probably did not get a whole lot of physical affection when I was very young. I remember wanting to be held but my mom being too busy or not wanting to. Perhaps in those times, it took its toll.
While I was traveling back from getting my dinner, I thought about an exercise that the therapist in the book suggested. I don’t know how effective his method is, but I did glean my own ideas from his. I realized part of the process of healing is rewiring my neural passageways, or as the Bible puts it, renewing my mind. So, as I drove, I thought back to a childhood memory I had of when I was in the fourth grade.
When I was in elementary school, I would play with my friend, Rebekah, every morning. Most of our play involved some type of gymnastic. Often, I would get rugburn on my knees from falling down from a handstand or some such thing.
This memory was one of those times. I ran crying to my mom because it hurt. All I remember about my run-in with her was her lack of sympathy. I think it was because I got injured so much she just didn’t want to deal with it at that time. I felt very rejected.
When it was time to go to class, I walked in and started bawling, mainly because my mom didn’t hug me or comfort me. I do remember my teacher looking at me with sympathy in her eyes and taking time to clean my wound and put a band aid on it.
While thinking about the memory, I did a little theophostics and replaced the memory of the painful rejection with a mental picture of crawling into Jesus’ lap once I walked into the room and had him take my pain away. It worked. I don’t have pain when I think about that memory anymore.
But it did bring up some deep grief. I came home and knew I needed a hug, so my roommate hugged me while I wept on her shoulder.
And this was all tied to food! Food has been my comfort these past 20+ years. I’m just now working toward finding my comfort in other things. It was a good start, though.
