True Beauty

Part of my struggle has stemmed from what I feel like is every woman’s struggle – the need to feel beautiful. So, knowing that I really just need to see beauty from God’s perspective instead of my own carnal mind’s perspective, I began to ask for insight, and I really feel like He gave me some on Sunday.

My pastor was talking about eating at this restaurant in Cali that’s on the beach and watching the sun set, and what a holy experience that moment was. And I felt like the Lord told me that our inner beauty, the kind of beauty that matters, is like that sunset. You know how some sunsets  just make you stop everything and just stare in awe?! I remember I left late to drive to my parent’s house from Waco one day, when I was in college, and I almost stopped the car and got out to just stare when I saw this sunset that was purple! Yes, purple! It was stunning!

So the juxtaposition that was set in my mind was that the beauty that God intended for us to walk in, the beauty that God intended us to exude is not a beauty that the world sees with their physical eyes. Physical beauty is only a whisper, a shadow of the beauty that God created in us. And that inner beauty has power! Just like we are stunned by the power of a beautiful sunset, we were created to stun others with the beauty that God has put within us.

But it’s not a boastful experience of sharing our inner beauty.   I know the most exquisite beauty that we have comes from the perseverance through trials and fellowshipping in His sufferings. But those “light afflictions” are forming in us a beauty that is of God, the Beautiful One! It is holy. It is pure. It draws people.  The Cross has made our beauty worth boasting about because its roots are in Jesus!

The other day, I sat in on a meeting with two girls from my homegroup who were hashing out their differences because they were both super offended with each other. The homegroup leader just wanted me there because she’s seen my gift of encouragement and thought it would be good in this situation. It was a really stressful meeting! They were both about to either beat each other or run away, and the whole time I was asking for insight, praying to have words of life and unity to speak over them. And then I did. And I know what I said was words that testified to Jesus within them both. But I would not have had those words to speak to them, words that ended up bringing reflection and not regret, if I had not given the past ten years of my life to submitting to the Cross working itself out in my life.  I know that I have a great amount of beauty wrought within me because I have said yes to Jesus so many times in the hard things.

After the meeting, one of the girls, whom I’ve been getting to know, walked me out to my car and just spoke to me of how stunned, in a holy and enlightened way, she was by what I said. But I know that what had happened to her was this: she saw the beauty that God has put within me, and she had the same reaction to it that we do to a sunset – thankful awe.  My beauty was seen!  But it wasn’t my physical beauty that drew those precious women into a greater revelation of Jesus, it was my inner beauty, the awe-inspiring splendor of a spirit given wholeheartedly to Jesus – it drew them, it humbled me, and we are all changed.

Outward beauty is so much lesser than.  How can we hold on to the faint glimmerings of physical beauty when the stunning spotlight of God-bred beauty far outshines it all?

Commandments Continue #8

#8: “You will not steal.”  Jesus promises us the riches of His inheritance, so why should we steal?  At the heart of stealing, there is the desire for more which means there has to be an emptiness deep within to merit that need to take from someone else.  If that begins to define us – an emptiness borne of lack, then receiving from Jesus becomes impossible.  In America, that seems to be the definition of who we are – we are needy, so we take; it doesn’t have to be stealing possessions, but stealing people’s innocence, purity, and childlike faith.  It’s what the world, the sin nature does.  We have taken things that are not ours in our selfish graspings for pleasure.  Jesus has a rich inheritance in us.  He longs to lavish his grace on us – freely!!!  That’s the key concept – freely.  It’s not something that we have to take for ourselves but that is a priceless gift given to us. 

  They’re not just cheap gifts either.  In Matthew 7, God speaks of his nature in comparison to an earthly father.  If an earthly father loves to give good gifts to his children, how much more so will God who is perfect and tender in His givings!  It seems like the church has given us an erroneous view of how God is – He just wants to take from us – we give Him our praise, we give Him service with our giftings, we give Him our obedience by the laws mandated for us to follow in the Bible.  Little is spoken about the tender, merciful love lavished on us – the very foundation that we stand on so we can even able to give back to Him with.  We cannot love unless we first know we are loved.  We cannot give unless we are first given to.  But it has to be experiential. 

Yes, Jesus gave us the free gift of salvation, but that doesn’t mean anything to us unless we have personal experience of it.  We cannot share it with others unless we first experience it.  God gives so that we can give.  There doesn’t need to be a focus on lack because the God of the Universe holds all the riches of the world in the palm of His hand.  Stealing is out of the question when our hearts rest in the knowledge that we are safe in the communion of the Godhead.  We steal?  We have Jesus!

What do ginger, tape, and prayer have in common?

Me!  How exciting. . .

It has been a glorious past two days.  I don’t know if I’ve been able to say that about two weekday work days in a row in years.  No, the job has not gotten any easier, but internally, I have found breakthrough.

All of this gloriousness started on Saturday when I went to have dinner with a dear friend and her family (I teach her daughter).  We were talking about my life and about how weary I always am.  Seriously, at the end of every day, I literally feel like I could crawl into a hole and sleep for twenty years.  I can’t remember a day that I did not feel that way since I’ve been teaching.  After I related this my friend, she started talking, and I just started weeping.  It was one of those weepings where you feel like things are being cast off of you through the tears.  I remember in college feeling that exact way. 

The summer before my Junior year, I went on a mission trip to Turkey.  In preparation for the trip, the team met together every week to pray and intercede both for the success of our trip and also Turkish people.  During one of the prayer meetings, we went around telling how we were doing, and once it got to me, I just started weeping.  One of the team leaders had been walking in the prophetic for quite a few years, so she just started praying for me.  I don’t remember exactly what she was praying, but I remember feeling the exact same way I did on Saturday night.  I was oppressed, and the oppression lifted.

The past two days, I feel like I’ve been waking from a dream.  The feeling of actually having energy to run errands after school yesterday was so foreign to me, I was quite befuddled.  I just sat in the car marvelling at how energetic I felt.  When it came time for bed, I actually did not feel like I was about to drop dead before I hit the bed.  I was AWAKE!  And not the kind of awake feeling I’ve had for so long that is the product of having so much on my mind that I can’t sleep.  This awake-ness was a result of finally feeling rested.  It felt abnormal.

Also on Saturday, my friend told me about a way to detox your body by using ginger in either a foot bath or regular bath.  Well, being the all-or-nothing person that I am, I decided to take a regular bath with ginger on Sunday night.  OH MY GOSH!  Was it detoxifying!  Either it was super effective, or I was a walking body full of toxins.  It was probably the latter.  She said that I would feel tired after taking it, but really, I felt worn out all of Monday.  AND, to make matters more humorously complicated, when my body was detoxing, I was letting out all sorts of unwanted gas – coming out both ends.  Yes, I said it.  But for real, yesterday, after all the gross stuff finished its business, I felt AWESOME!  I think mentally and emotionally, it had to do with the prayer I got on Saturday.  But physically, it totally had to be the fact that I got so much “crap” out of my system from the ginger!  Who knew?  Not me.

And to top it all off, I had a follow up appointment with my foot doctor yesterday because of my surgery I had in December.  I told him that as I was working out last week, I think I pulled some tendons in the top of my other foot as it was trying to overcompensate for my retarded surgicalled (yes, I made that up) foot.  To help me, he put all sorts of tape on my foot to support it, and the most amazing thing happened. . .

My feet finally feel normal!  Incredible what taping feet can do!  My feet finally feel like they did almost 2 years ago before all this mess started with my feet.

So, I’m seriously just floating on a sea of grace right now.  I feel amazing and I don’t ever want to feel oppressed again.  It really, really, really stinks.

End scene.

Boogey-man and Abominable Snowman

  The other day, I posted a status on facebook saying, Kristine is wishing the boogey-man and abominable snowman will stop sitting on her head and be demolished, abolished, and excommunicated forever and ever. Amen.  I’m really struggling.  Because my school is closing, all these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are popping up.  Oh, I know those evil fears (that I have dubbed Boogey-man and Abominable snowman) of mine have been lurking under my surface, but they just have not had a huge reason to come out and play.

  Trying to get into graduate school and not knowing what I’m doing next year have certainly given them ample reason to stomp upon my head.

  But no longer.  One of my dear friends offered to pray for me this weekend, and I really haven’t struggled with those fears since.  But today, I came upon the blog of a dear pastor of mine, and I was at once encourage and emboldened to face these plagues.

  He said, “As a general rule, I love the leadership of Jesus and really believe that His ways are “just and true” (Rev. 15:3). I’m sold at a deep level that the way of weakness – fasting and prayer, giving and forgiving, serving and loving with abandonment to my own self-indulgent, self-absorbed ways – is the wisest and best way for a man to live out his days. I’m not even thinking in terms of gritting my teeth and earning a reward for my obedience – I’m thinking in terms of “wisdom will be justified by her children” (Matt. 11:19). In other words, in the here and now, I believe that the story of my life will testify to the superior nature of God’s divine order and wisdom. . . 

. . . [But] I hate [weakness]. I’m not even ambivalent or lukewarm about this point. My heart is a torrent of activity with little rest or peace – my soul is a storm of frustration – because I don’t like the weakness of waiting, the weakness of dependant trust in the leadership of Jesus, the brokenness of dependency, and the simplicity of foolish silence that seems to be costing me much in the short-term. And it is. That’s the bigger frustration – it actually, truly is costing me something in the short-term to wait for God to break through and have His way in these types of situations.”
  So, I am truly encouraged.  I don’t know what is going to happen in the short term, but I can win the victory in laying down my own vain strugglings and positionings for success b/c there is literally nothing I can do.  But what a wonderful place to be in!  I now get to sit back and watch the goodness and provision of the Lord actually be worked out in my life, so much so, that my life is a testimony to the truths that the scripture screams to us but that we hardly have an ear to hear for all our whining and martyristic lamentations. 
 
  I have the privilege in this season to be silent and let His LIFE be formed in me.  I have the honor of being a wonder to others as they see that His truth is not only foundational in my life but experiential!  HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS AND HE WILL DO WHAT HE SAID HE WILL DO!  In me.
 
That is wholly worth my present sufferings.

I Got Excited!

So, I started going to this new home group at a church I’ve been going to for a few months.  I’m really enjoying it.  We were having a conversation about predestination last week.  Although this is a topic I don’t really spend a whole lot of time thinking about, I really had fun listening to people sit there and try to figure it out. 

  In the midst of that conversation, our home group leader had us switch over to talk about the 10 commandments and what the promises of God are in those laws.  I admit, I’ve never really thought about the 10 commandments being promises, but then I just sat there and thought about it; the revelation I was getting just by thinking of it got me excited!  God reveals his nature in the 10 Commandments and I didn’t even know it!  Here are some of my thoughts as to the revelation of Jesus’ character:

1. No Other Gods Before Me:   Jesus is the only one we need!  If we don’t need another god to pray to for wisdom, or love, or mirth, or marriage, then that means that Jesus is our sufficiency.  We should not have any other gods before Him because He is all we need!  He’s complete and head over our mind, body, soul, and spirit!

2. No Idols: in this God mentions that He is jealous.  This verse seems to point back to how marriage is an earthly symbol of our union with Jesus (makes me think of Proverbs where it says “jealousy is a husband’s fury”).  He desires that we be united with Him and Him alone.  He is faithful to us and wants us to be the same way.  He is only united with humans.  He has only put Himself within us, not any other created being! 

3. No Misuse of God’s name: I don’t really have a whole lot of revelation on this one.  Jesus says His name is above every other name and every knee will bow in the end to it.  He places a huge significance on names in the OT.  Name changes in a covenant and naming children as a symbol of Israel’s relationship w/ God.  So, all I can think is that we’ve lost sight of the importance of a name.  Our name is a picture of who we are just as it is with Jesus, so when we defame his name, we are defaming His character.  His name is who He is and who we are found in as his Bride.

4. Sabbath Day: OK, this is just a thought.  I’ve been thinking about this for a long time.  I know that the Sabbath Day was for a day of rest.  It reminds me of this sermon this pastor I love gave about homeostasis.  Well, it wasn’t a whole sermon on homeostasis, but he mentioned it.  That is, the way God has set up the laws of nature is everything must be in balance.  If our planet gets too hot, our atmosphere gets holes in it.  If we don’t drink enough water, we’ll dehydrate.  Everything must be in balance.  Well, what if having a Sabbath Day is not just for making us keep things holy but to be a picture of Jesus and how He is in balance all the time.  He can be 100% delighted in the Israelites while pouring out His wrath on their sins.  He is in balance.  Well, maybe He set up a “sabbath” because that is our human way of staying in balance?  This is just conjecture, mind you, but if the 10 Commandments are really showing us the character and nature of God, then the Sabbath is speaking of Jesus!

5. Honor father and mother: well, there’s already a promise in that verse – “that your days may be long upon the earth”, so it seems to me that Jesus places an important emphasis on the parent.  From my own experience, I know that if my heart is not in a place of showing honor/respect to my parents, then I am cutting off a conduit of grace and blessing from the Lord.  Once again, from my experience, our parents are the ones who are to train us and be a picture to us of who God is.  Since we live in such a warped society, it seems hard to think this as true, but I know that because for many years I had a warped view of who God was because my own father, in his weakness, did not know how to father me well and so gave me an erroneous picture of God.  A parents job is not to coddle us and make us happy, but to point us to the leadership of God.  By honoring our father and mother, we have a better idea of how to honor God.

7. Murder.  This one seems easy to me.  Murdering is taking the importance off of life and putting it on death.  It is devaluing life.  From the very being of God pours forth life.  His IS life.  In Revelation 4, it talks about an “emerald rainbow encircling the throne”.  I was meditating on that one day, asking, “why green?  why not multicolored like the rainbows we know?”  I finally had a revelation that it was because green is a symbol of life and life exudes from the person of Jesus.

OK, I’ll write about the last 3 in another post.  This entry is being posted in January, but just so you know, I started it at the beginning of December.  It’s been sitting in my drafts for a month.  Oops!  

Obsession

  Alright.  I’ve been ruminating on this idea for quite some weeks now, and I’ve decided I wanted to put thoughts to “paper”.   This might be kind of long.

  A while ago, I was watching a movie, and one of the previews was for a movie called, “Twilight”.  I had no idea what it was, but it looked good because, quite honestly, I really like teeny-bopper movies.  Quite some time after that, I started hearing about a book called “Twilight” and finally put together that these were the same thing.  A girl at the Christian school in which I work gave a book report about it.  When I figured out the book portrayed a story about a vampire, I was quite intrigued as to why they were allowed to report on that type of book.  But I moved on. . .

  I kept hearing about this book time after time – by friends, postings on Facebook, and the like.  So, I finally gave in and bought the first book – just to get the curiosity out of my system.  It was a good book.  The author is very well written, even detailed to the point of describing characters’ voice intonation as part of character development – quite effectively!  I was impressed.  I was also obsessed.  With the book.  Here’s a little fun fact about me – I LOVE to read.  I can bust out a 200-300 page book in a day.  I read fast and I love to read a lot.  Staying up to all hours while getting nothing productive done just to read a book is certainly not a foreign concept to me.  But this book was different.

  I started the book at about 6 one evening and read until about 11 pm.  That got me through half of the book, but I made myself go to bed instead of staying up all night to finish it.  I read a chapter more as I got ready to go to work, but the intriguing crux of my conundrum was this: I could NOT stop thinking about that book all day.  On my planning period, I went and looked up information online to see if I could find out what would happen next, and I could not wait until the end of the day just so I could go home and finish reading this book.  The suspense was exhilarating.  And obsessive.

  More backgroud:  I have read MANY good books that are just as well written and thought capturing as ”Twilight” (go read any Ted Dekker book to understand this), so I’ve had my fair share of days where I just want to give up everything, even work, and read.   But this day was different – I even felt weird with the level of obsession that I was feeling about finishing this book.  Usually, when I finish a book, I’m like, “ahhh, that was a good ending” and put it away to read again in a year.  After finishing “Twilight”, I immediately wanted to read it again.  I could not put the book down.

  Obsession.  That was the main problem I was having connected to this book.  

  In all of my years with the Lord (20 years to be exact, although I really only count the past 10), I have learned a lot about the two realities that we live in – the flesh/world and the spirit.  One of my favorite verses is Ephesians 6:12, where it talks about our struggle/battle not being against “flesh and blood”, but against the rulers, authorities, and powers of  the spiritual realm.  In the past ten years, I’ve seen more and more that our true reality lies not in the things around us that we can see, but in the things that we can’t – things of the spirit. 

  So, when I was feeling this obsessiveness toward this book, I really began to look inward and question whether or not there were some spiritual forces connected to this book.  A few things happened that really make me think that this obsession was more a spiritual matter than mental:

1. I read Stephanie Meyer’s blog, where she was describing the way in which she got inspiration for this book.  She had a dream (and if you’ve ever studied dreams, this is really an open door to our hearts, spiritually – look in the Bible and you’ll find numerous places where people had “visitations” of the Lord or otherwise through dreams) about one of the scenes in the book (if you’ve read it, it’s the scene where Edward and Bella are in the meadow alone together), and that caused her to start writing the events that were formed to make this book.  The whole time she was describing it, she was writing about how “obsessed” she was with the story and the characters.  This is why, she said, she did not limit the story to one book but has continued on with the entire series.  That was clue #1.

2. Other people mentioning how obsessed they are with the books and couldn’t put it down until they were done with the entire series.

3. Several women’s comments about how they are not quite content with their husbands (whether it’s in joking – like, “ha, ha, my husband is only a mortal” or somewhat serious) in comparison with the perfection of Edward, the main character in the book.

4. My own struggle with obsession with the book.

 

My Conclusion:

  Truly, I believe that there is something spiritual about the level of obsession I’m seeing come from my own heart as well as other women.  I’m not going to say, “Don’t read the books.”  But I will say, there is more to the spiritual realm than we give it credit, and we are far more influenced by it than we know.  This could be true by reading this book.  But anything observed by reading these books is just that – an observation made through my own experiences.  I am not the Knower of All Things, so obviously, since this is my blog, after all, I do get to express my own personal experience.  Hooray for non-combative opinions!!! 

Shame of Youth

  My senior year in college, 2003, I felt like Jesus gave me a personal verse of redemption.  At that time, I was really struggling with a lot of issues – father issues most of all.  It was during this time of pain that I felt God speak to me Isaiah 54:4, speaking of forgetting the shame of my youth.  I really took a hold of that verse because I was so broken by all the wounds that I had received in my childhood.  I didn’t feel whole, and I didn’t know if I would ever know what it felt like to not struggle with these issues that plague me and persistently break in on my reality in most unassuming and vexing ways.

  But the forgetting has come.  I didn’t think it would take so long or be so short of a time.  Yes, a paradox, as seems to be all of the mysteries of Jesus.  But He has!  I truly feel whole for the first time in my entire life.  I didn’t realize that it was really possible.  I thought for sure that I would be struggling with it even into my 30′s.  But God has shown Himself infinitely merciful.  There are still some residual effects of stuff I grew up with, but I can now confidently walk in the affection of my Father without the shame of rejection that once marked me.

Faith – Indubitably!

I was meditating on faith yesterday and its true meaning.  If FAITH is the confirmation of the things we hope for and the evidence of things we do not see, then we need to lose our sight!  I remember watching Amazing Grace, the movie.  John Newton, who composed the song, was an old man in the movie who lived out his days serving a church.  Finally, when he had gone blind, he quotes his own song, “I was blind but now I see” and he says now he really can! 

  I heard a story of these Christians somewhere in Central or South America who have committed to speaking in the prayer language as much as possible.  So they’ll be, like, having a conversation, and while listening to the other person talk, they’ll be speaking in tongues under their breath.  Well, in Jude 20, it says to build up your faith by praying in the Holy Spirit.  So, because they prayed in the Holy Spirit so much for so long, they were able to walk up to the scene of a major car accident, pray for a dead man who was thrown through the window of his car, and see him come back to life.  They had faith to RAISE THE DEAD!

  Well, after I heard that story, I settled in my heart to start praying in the spirit as much as possible and did so for a few months.  During that time, I was transitioning where I was going to live, and ended up “homeless” for 3 weeks.  It was very stressful, obviously!  But since I walked through that trial while praying in the spirit the whole time, I have never, since then, doubted the faithfulness of God to provide a place for me to live.  And I’ve moved 5 TIMES since then!  But I’ve never worried (and 2 of those times, I really was not sure where I was going to live next).  Praying in the Holy Spirit works!!!  I’ve experienced it!!

On the Blog again. . . and The Shack

Well, I’m back!  I’ve been writing on another blog about my journey as a teacher.  I’ve gotten a bit of a writing bug, so here it goes again. . .

  To start it off, I think I might just share with you a paper I wrote.  It’s short, I promise.  Have any of you read The Shack?  It’s really an interesting fictional book that a bunch of teachers from my school read.  We had a Book Luncheon this summer to talk about it.  Well, I had to write a paper since I read it for a credit thingy.  It really gives you a window into my theology.  Here you go. . .

            One theological premise that I’ve been meditating on for the past six months is the idea of Christians being “in Christ”.  What does that truly mean?  Growing up in a Christian school, spending four years at Baylor and Antioch, and almost three at IHOP has made it easy to be lazy in simply gleaning my own theology from the godly pastors around me.  Thankfully, the Holy Spirit grabbed me out of my lethargy a few years ago and took me to a place of dissatisfaction where it became vital that I develop my own paradigms.  So the Lord began to tear down much of the faulty theologies I had picked up from not thinking on my own and brought me to a place of disillusionment with my comfort zone of “knowing all the answers”.  It was here that I began to realize that there was more to the idea of being “in Christ” than I had previously thought.

            Obviously, growing up in a Christian school and going to youth group, I would hear the basic principles of Christianity – Jesus died for my sins so that I can serve him.  Going to IHOP, the Lord began to reveal to me that I was thinking of Him as a taskmaster who is constantly disappointed in my lack and not as a Lover who entices me to serve out of a “love-slave” type relationship (to put it in the vernacular).  It was through this paradigm shift that I began of journey of seeing what a true relationship with Jesus was, as the disciples first new it.

            In the past six months, I’ve seen how much I and even the church thinks of Jesus as being an empowerment to a “better life”, not so much an exchange of life.  I’ve heard the analogy of becoming a Christian as Jesus pushing me out from the path of an out-of-control Mack truck and dying in my place.  But it seems that being “in Christ” is so much more than that.  How can I be in Christ if I am still living my life separately from Jesus – He betters my life from afar yet still lives in my heart?  What I have come to see is that there is no separation of His life in mine.  Going back to the analogy, it is not Him dying by pushing me out of the path of the truck, but me dying with Him (Galatians 2:20)!

            The entire point of writing this background information is to set up the fact that The Shack was one of the key tools Jesus used to solidify the theology of “in Christ” to me.  The part of the story that exemplified this the most was when Jesus was asking the main character to go on a journey with Him.  Instead of walking around the lake, Jesus wanted him to walk over it with Him!  Since this is a throwback to Peter and Jesus walking on water, my thoughts returned to explanations of this story that I had heard over and over in church about Peter’s lack of faith.  But when the main character tried to do it on his own and failed, Jesus essentially said that he can do not thing apart from Him – why? because he is IN CHRIST!!!  Peter’s story then takes on a more profound meaning – yes, he didn’t have enough faith, but it wasn’t because he didn’t have faith that Jesus could do what He said!  It was because he was trying to do it independently from Jesus!  When the main character got up out of the water after sinking down into it, Jesus took his hand, and they went together to the other side of the shore.  Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing!  Faith is nothing if it is not intricately linked with the person of Jesus!  Oh, victory!  Oh, revelation!  We are completely dependent on our Beloved who we have become One with in the Spirit!  Oh, happy day!   It is only through the beauty of communion with the Godhead in our spirits can we hope to find the reality of the life of Christ forming and transforming our spirits into the likeness of Him.

Authentic Joy

When I was in Santa Fe, there was this beautiful cathedral called the St. Francis Cathedral Basilica. Maybe if I can learn how to be techno savvy, I can post some pics for you to peruse. I found a book called, St. Francis and the Cross, and I found my favorite quote about joy. When I was in my internship, I heard Allen Hood quote this in his sermon, and I’ve forever loved it since. It’s long, so sit back and relax. . .

St. Francis called to Brother Leo, who was walking a bit ahead of him, and
he said, ‘Brother Leo, even if the Friars Minor in every country give a great example of holiness and integrity and good edification, nevertheless write down and note carefully that perfect joy is not in that.’

And when he had walked on a bit, St. Francis called him again, saying, ‘Brother Leo, even if a Friar Minor gives sight to the blind, heals the paralyzed, drives out devils,
gives hearing back to the deaf, makes the lame walk, and restores speech to the
dumb, and what is still more, brings life a man who has been dead four days,
write that perfect joy is not in that.’

[. . .] And going on a bit father, St. Francis called again strongly: ‘Brother Leo, even if
a Friar Minor could preach so well that he should convert all infidels to the
faith of Christ, write down that perfect joy is not there.’

Now when he had been talking this way for a distance of two miles, Brother Leo in great amazement asked him, ‘Father, I beg you in God’s name to tell me where perfect joy is.’

And St. Francis replied, ‘When we come to St. Mary of the Angels, soaked by the rain and frozen by the cold, all soiled with mud and suffering from hunger, and we ring at the gate of the Place and the brother porter comes and says angrily, “Who are
you?” And we say, “We are two of your brothers.” And he contradicts us, saying, “You are not telling the truth. Rather you are two rascals who go around deceiving people and stealing what they give to the poor. Go away!” And he does not open for us, but makes us stand outside in the snow and rain, cold and hungry, until night falls – then if we endure all those insults and cruel rebuffs patiently, without being troubled and without complaining, and if we reflect humbly and charitably that the porter really knows us and that God makes him speak against us, oh, Brother Leo, write that perfect joy is there!’

. . . if we endure all those evils and insults and blows with joy and patience, reflecting that we must accept and bear the sufferings of the blessed Christ patiently for love of Him, oh, Brother Leo, write: that is perfect joy!’”

In the midst of our hedonistic, narcissistic culture I think we’ve distorted our idea of true joy, just as we’ve tainted ultimate love to be equivalent to sex. I want the kind of joy that St. Francis expounds upon. I want to glory in the sufferings that come my way, that I might be conformed into the image of my Beloved. I know that is my lot – it’s what my name means, “Christ-bearer”.

Jesus, conform me into your image that I might have the manifest Emmanuel living deep within me. I want true reality, not the obdurate subterfuge of society that refuses to look to You to be set free from their pain enough to be genuine. Save us, Jesus, from ourselves.

Kristine