Boogey-man and Abominable Snowman

  The other day, I posted a status on facebook saying, Kristine is wishing the boogey-man and abominable snowman will stop sitting on her head and be demolished, abolished, and excommunicated forever and ever. Amen.  I’m really struggling.  Because my school is closing, all these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are popping up.  Oh, I know those evil fears (that I have dubbed Boogey-man and Abominable snowman) of mine have been lurking under my surface, but they just have not had a huge reason to come out and play.

  Trying to get into graduate school and not knowing what I’m doing next year have certainly given them ample reason to stomp upon my head.

  But no longer.  One of my dear friends offered to pray for me this weekend, and I really haven’t struggled with those fears since.  But today, I came upon the blog of a dear pastor of mine, and I was at once encourage and emboldened to face these plagues.

  He said, “As a general rule, I love the leadership of Jesus and really believe that His ways are “just and true” (Rev. 15:3). I’m sold at a deep level that the way of weakness – fasting and prayer, giving and forgiving, serving and loving with abandonment to my own self-indulgent, self-absorbed ways – is the wisest and best way for a man to live out his days. I’m not even thinking in terms of gritting my teeth and earning a reward for my obedience – I’m thinking in terms of “wisdom will be justified by her children” (Matt. 11:19). In other words, in the here and now, I believe that the story of my life will testify to the superior nature of God’s divine order and wisdom. . . 

. . . [But] I hate [weakness]. I’m not even ambivalent or lukewarm about this point. My heart is a torrent of activity with little rest or peace – my soul is a storm of frustration – because I don’t like the weakness of waiting, the weakness of dependant trust in the leadership of Jesus, the brokenness of dependency, and the simplicity of foolish silence that seems to be costing me much in the short-term. And it is. That’s the bigger frustration – it actually, truly is costing me something in the short-term to wait for God to break through and have His way in these types of situations.”
  So, I am truly encouraged.  I don’t know what is going to happen in the short term, but I can win the victory in laying down my own vain strugglings and positionings for success b/c there is literally nothing I can do.  But what a wonderful place to be in!  I now get to sit back and watch the goodness and provision of the Lord actually be worked out in my life, so much so, that my life is a testimony to the truths that the scripture screams to us but that we hardly have an ear to hear for all our whining and martyristic lamentations. 
 
  I have the privilege in this season to be silent and let His LIFE be formed in me.  I have the honor of being a wonder to others as they see that His truth is not only foundational in my life but experiential!  HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS AND HE WILL DO WHAT HE SAID HE WILL DO!  In me.
 
That is wholly worth my present sufferings.

Shame of Youth

  My senior year in college, 2003, I felt like Jesus gave me a personal verse of redemption.  At that time, I was really struggling with a lot of issues – father issues most of all.  It was during this time of pain that I felt God speak to me Isaiah 54:4, speaking of forgetting the shame of my youth.  I really took a hold of that verse because I was so broken by all the wounds that I had received in my childhood.  I didn’t feel whole, and I didn’t know if I would ever know what it felt like to not struggle with these issues that plague me and persistently break in on my reality in most unassuming and vexing ways.

  But the forgetting has come.  I didn’t think it would take so long or be so short of a time.  Yes, a paradox, as seems to be all of the mysteries of Jesus.  But He has!  I truly feel whole for the first time in my entire life.  I didn’t realize that it was really possible.  I thought for sure that I would be struggling with it even into my 30′s.  But God has shown Himself infinitely merciful.  There are still some residual effects of stuff I grew up with, but I can now confidently walk in the affection of my Father without the shame of rejection that once marked me.

Ruination

I really am not quite sure why have not discovered this avenue of writing until now. I do have to give credit to my beloved Chi Beta for revealing this whole new realm of wordy goodness. I’ve been reading all my friends’ blogs and friends’ friends’ blogs, almost to the point of not getting any work done and I have fallen in love with this world.
If you are an IHOPer, please keep writing blogs; I have so enjoyed pouring over the hours of ideas that have come from your meditations and revelations. I, personally, would consider myself an adjunct IHOPer, having been on staff there in the past for 2 1/2 years of my life. I can never really get enough of the heart of what comes out of that place – considering the heart of Jesus is made known above anything else.
My journey has veered away from a permanent residence in KC, but I can safely say my heart is truly ruined (which, I guess is now kind of a cliche word, but nonetheless. . .) for the same old way of knowing Jesus. In Texas, where I live, and I’m sure many other places besides, view “Christianity” as something intricately linked to going to church and “sharing your faith”. Well, my problem is, I’m kind of sick of “church” as most people know it, and after having realized that the INFINITE God is incomprehensible, “sharing my faith” takes on a whole new set of problems. Going to church in spite of the fact that most of the Christians I meet don’t understand my heart is one thing, but telling others about a Man who I barely even know is something completely different.
I know I do that the short amount of time I was at IHOP and in the preceding and proceding years I have cultivated a depth of intimacy with Jesus, but merely going out to share my relationship with just anyone just cause I feel coerced into doing it because that’s what I’m “supposed” to do is crap. I do desperately want people to know Jesus. It seems to me that people in this state (of Texas, not being) have generally been burned by “religion” and are sick of all the religious rules they feel have been placed on them, when it has nothing to do with rules.
I go back to the book of Acts and read how the disciples and people of the early church walked into a city and the power of God caused conviction in hearts. That’s what people need. They need the Holy Spirit, but my feeling is that many of the southern churches have taken out the Holy Spirit because of the weird things they’ve seen happen in the “charismatic” churches.
Of course, there are exceptions to this blanket that I am laying over the south, however, I know from my own experience that my observations and convictions are not entirely unfounded. MY problem is my aforementioned ruination. I don’t feel like I fit in anymore to “the church”, and for a complete extrovert like me, that is quite a conundrum. In the 1 1/2 years I’ve been away from KC, I’ve spent more lonely hours by myself than I think I ever have in my life. I guess the problem as well as been what I’ve done with those lonely hours. I know I haven’t used them to be with Jesus, as a whole. I think I’ve also watched more movies in the past 1 1/2 years than at any point of my life. It was that whole turning to entertainment thing.
So, I do realize the absolute necessity of being with a body of believers. I know I am missing out on a spiritual blessing from not doing that, and yet, in my angst, I’ve persisted in solitude. But I hope this blog will be a source of expression for me and keep me accountable to logging what I’ve learned from my own personal meditations. I don’t really have a huge expectation of anyone reading this, other than my friends, but who knows.

Jesus, we need the knowledge of God in this country. In an ostensibly powerful country of the US, we really have no power. Would you come and tear down the strongholds of independence and religion and bring us back to the simplicity of communion with your Spirit. Open our darkened eyes and show us who you truly are. Reality. We need reality deep within us. Especially me.