True Beauty

Part of my struggle has stemmed from what I feel like is every woman’s struggle – the need to feel beautiful. So, knowing that I really just need to see beauty from God’s perspective instead of my own carnal mind’s perspective, I began to ask for insight, and I really feel like He gave me some on Sunday.

My pastor was talking about eating at this restaurant in Cali that’s on the beach and watching the sun set, and what a holy experience that moment was. And I felt like the Lord told me that our inner beauty, the kind of beauty that matters, is like that sunset. You know how some sunsets  just make you stop everything and just stare in awe?! I remember I left late to drive to my parent’s house from Waco one day, when I was in college, and I almost stopped the car and got out to just stare when I saw this sunset that was purple! Yes, purple! It was stunning!

So the juxtaposition that was set in my mind was that the beauty that God intended for us to walk in, the beauty that God intended us to exude is not a beauty that the world sees with their physical eyes. Physical beauty is only a whisper, a shadow of the beauty that God created in us. And that inner beauty has power! Just like we are stunned by the power of a beautiful sunset, we were created to stun others with the beauty that God has put within us.

But it’s not a boastful experience of sharing our inner beauty.   I know the most exquisite beauty that we have comes from the perseverance through trials and fellowshipping in His sufferings. But those “light afflictions” are forming in us a beauty that is of God, the Beautiful One! It is holy. It is pure. It draws people.  The Cross has made our beauty worth boasting about because its roots are in Jesus!

The other day, I sat in on a meeting with two girls from my homegroup who were hashing out their differences because they were both super offended with each other. The homegroup leader just wanted me there because she’s seen my gift of encouragement and thought it would be good in this situation. It was a really stressful meeting! They were both about to either beat each other or run away, and the whole time I was asking for insight, praying to have words of life and unity to speak over them. And then I did. And I know what I said was words that testified to Jesus within them both. But I would not have had those words to speak to them, words that ended up bringing reflection and not regret, if I had not given the past ten years of my life to submitting to the Cross working itself out in my life.  I know that I have a great amount of beauty wrought within me because I have said yes to Jesus so many times in the hard things.

After the meeting, one of the girls, whom I’ve been getting to know, walked me out to my car and just spoke to me of how stunned, in a holy and enlightened way, she was by what I said. But I know that what had happened to her was this: she saw the beauty that God has put within me, and she had the same reaction to it that we do to a sunset – thankful awe.  My beauty was seen!  But it wasn’t my physical beauty that drew those precious women into a greater revelation of Jesus, it was my inner beauty, the awe-inspiring splendor of a spirit given wholeheartedly to Jesus – it drew them, it humbled me, and we are all changed.

Outward beauty is so much lesser than.  How can we hold on to the faint glimmerings of physical beauty when the stunning spotlight of God-bred beauty far outshines it all?

Boogey-man and Abominable Snowman

  The other day, I posted a status on facebook saying, Kristine is wishing the boogey-man and abominable snowman will stop sitting on her head and be demolished, abolished, and excommunicated forever and ever. Amen.  I’m really struggling.  Because my school is closing, all these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are popping up.  Oh, I know those evil fears (that I have dubbed Boogey-man and Abominable snowman) of mine have been lurking under my surface, but they just have not had a huge reason to come out and play.

  Trying to get into graduate school and not knowing what I’m doing next year have certainly given them ample reason to stomp upon my head.

  But no longer.  One of my dear friends offered to pray for me this weekend, and I really haven’t struggled with those fears since.  But today, I came upon the blog of a dear pastor of mine, and I was at once encourage and emboldened to face these plagues.

  He said, “As a general rule, I love the leadership of Jesus and really believe that His ways are “just and true” (Rev. 15:3). I’m sold at a deep level that the way of weakness – fasting and prayer, giving and forgiving, serving and loving with abandonment to my own self-indulgent, self-absorbed ways – is the wisest and best way for a man to live out his days. I’m not even thinking in terms of gritting my teeth and earning a reward for my obedience – I’m thinking in terms of “wisdom will be justified by her children” (Matt. 11:19). In other words, in the here and now, I believe that the story of my life will testify to the superior nature of God’s divine order and wisdom. . . 

. . . [But] I hate [weakness]. I’m not even ambivalent or lukewarm about this point. My heart is a torrent of activity with little rest or peace – my soul is a storm of frustration – because I don’t like the weakness of waiting, the weakness of dependant trust in the leadership of Jesus, the brokenness of dependency, and the simplicity of foolish silence that seems to be costing me much in the short-term. And it is. That’s the bigger frustration – it actually, truly is costing me something in the short-term to wait for God to break through and have His way in these types of situations.”
  So, I am truly encouraged.  I don’t know what is going to happen in the short term, but I can win the victory in laying down my own vain strugglings and positionings for success b/c there is literally nothing I can do.  But what a wonderful place to be in!  I now get to sit back and watch the goodness and provision of the Lord actually be worked out in my life, so much so, that my life is a testimony to the truths that the scripture screams to us but that we hardly have an ear to hear for all our whining and martyristic lamentations. 
 
  I have the privilege in this season to be silent and let His LIFE be formed in me.  I have the honor of being a wonder to others as they see that His truth is not only foundational in my life but experiential!  HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS AND HE WILL DO WHAT HE SAID HE WILL DO!  In me.
 
That is wholly worth my present sufferings.

Authentic Joy

When I was in Santa Fe, there was this beautiful cathedral called the St. Francis Cathedral Basilica. Maybe if I can learn how to be techno savvy, I can post some pics for you to peruse. I found a book called, St. Francis and the Cross, and I found my favorite quote about joy. When I was in my internship, I heard Allen Hood quote this in his sermon, and I’ve forever loved it since. It’s long, so sit back and relax. . .

St. Francis called to Brother Leo, who was walking a bit ahead of him, and
he said, ‘Brother Leo, even if the Friars Minor in every country give a great example of holiness and integrity and good edification, nevertheless write down and note carefully that perfect joy is not in that.’

And when he had walked on a bit, St. Francis called him again, saying, ‘Brother Leo, even if a Friar Minor gives sight to the blind, heals the paralyzed, drives out devils,
gives hearing back to the deaf, makes the lame walk, and restores speech to the
dumb, and what is still more, brings life a man who has been dead four days,
write that perfect joy is not in that.’

[. . .] And going on a bit father, St. Francis called again strongly: ‘Brother Leo, even if
a Friar Minor could preach so well that he should convert all infidels to the
faith of Christ, write down that perfect joy is not there.’

Now when he had been talking this way for a distance of two miles, Brother Leo in great amazement asked him, ‘Father, I beg you in God’s name to tell me where perfect joy is.’

And St. Francis replied, ‘When we come to St. Mary of the Angels, soaked by the rain and frozen by the cold, all soiled with mud and suffering from hunger, and we ring at the gate of the Place and the brother porter comes and says angrily, “Who are
you?” And we say, “We are two of your brothers.” And he contradicts us, saying, “You are not telling the truth. Rather you are two rascals who go around deceiving people and stealing what they give to the poor. Go away!” And he does not open for us, but makes us stand outside in the snow and rain, cold and hungry, until night falls – then if we endure all those insults and cruel rebuffs patiently, without being troubled and without complaining, and if we reflect humbly and charitably that the porter really knows us and that God makes him speak against us, oh, Brother Leo, write that perfect joy is there!’

. . . if we endure all those evils and insults and blows with joy and patience, reflecting that we must accept and bear the sufferings of the blessed Christ patiently for love of Him, oh, Brother Leo, write: that is perfect joy!’”

In the midst of our hedonistic, narcissistic culture I think we’ve distorted our idea of true joy, just as we’ve tainted ultimate love to be equivalent to sex. I want the kind of joy that St. Francis expounds upon. I want to glory in the sufferings that come my way, that I might be conformed into the image of my Beloved. I know that is my lot – it’s what my name means, “Christ-bearer”.

Jesus, conform me into your image that I might have the manifest Emmanuel living deep within me. I want true reality, not the obdurate subterfuge of society that refuses to look to You to be set free from their pain enough to be genuine. Save us, Jesus, from ourselves.

Kristine