Perfect Love
Posted by: Kristine on: April 19, 2009
Let us pray to God to make us worthy of his holy love; for if we were to love him perfectly, all the goods of this earth would seem to us smoke and dust, while pain and suffering would become our delight. Listen to what Saint John Chrysostom says about a sould wholly given to almighty God: “Those who have attained the perfect love of God seem to be alone on the earth. Such persons no longer care about either glory or shame. They scorn temptations and afflictions; they lose the taste and appetite for all things. And, not finding support or repose in anything, they continuously go about in search of their beloved without ever growing weary, so that when they work, when they eat, when they are awake or asleep, in every word and deed, all their thoughts and desires are to find their beloved; because in his heart is where treasure lies.”
- pg 52 The Practice of the Love of Jesus Christ by Saint Alphonsus Liguori
Effects of Rejection and Waiting
Posted by: Kristine on: April 17, 2009
I’m really frustrated, and I need to write this frustration out to sort through all my emotions.
Scenario: For the past few months, I’ve really gotten a lot of healing from rejection issues that I’ve had for years. But I got super frustrated yesterday. I was on a field trip to Medieval Times, and I realized that was still reacting to men in my rejected frame of mind. The “knight” would come out and throw flowers, and I found myself holding back and not yelling and screaming to get one – and I knew it was because I still was viewing the situation with the eyes of someone rejected. I didn’t want to be rejected by him so I didn’t make an effort.
This is a new revelation, though, because even 5 years ago, I would not have even seen anything wrong with this way of thinking. It would have felt “normal” when it is anything but normal. So, hooray for getting to a place where I recognize it, but I was so FRUSTRATED! I just want to scream right now thinking how debilitated I felt. Not debilitated in the fact that I couldn’t get a rose, but in the fact that I was still thinking that way in my mind. Apparently, I have this passionate side of me that hates seeing weakness.
OK, I just got revelation. I hate seeing weakness. I’ve felt such victory, but I’m frustrated because I have more left to heal. It’s something that’s going to take a while, and I can’t rush the healing process or it won’t be a complete transformation. If I had gone and done what I wanted to after the event, I would have been forcing that healing in my own strength and Jesus wouldn’t be the one doing it. I have to wait on His timing, and not on my own impatient timing. I get it now!!!! He is so tender to lead me gently and not knock around my emotions in an unhealthy way, which is my natural reaction. I must have tenderness for myself that my Abba already lavishes on me.
I will submit and wait in stillness.
What do ginger, tape, and prayer have in common?
Posted by: Kristine on: March 5, 2009
- In: joy| life| reality
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Me! How exciting. . .
It has been a glorious past two days. I don’t know if I’ve been able to say that about two weekday work days in a row in years. No, the job has not gotten any easier, but internally, I have found breakthrough.
All of this gloriousness started on Saturday when I went to have dinner with a dear friend and her family (I teach her daughter). We were talking about my life and about how weary I always am. Seriously, at the end of every day, I literally feel like I could crawl into a hole and sleep for twenty years. I can’t remember a day that I did not feel that way since I’ve been teaching. After I related this my friend, she started talking, and I just started weeping. It was one of those weepings where you feel like things are being cast off of you through the tears. I remember in college feeling that exact way.
The summer before my Junior year, I went on a mission trip to Turkey. In preparation for the trip, the team met together every week to pray and intercede both for the success of our trip and also Turkish people. During one of the prayer meetings, we went around telling how we were doing, and once it got to me, I just started weeping. One of the team leaders had been walking in the prophetic for quite a few years, so she just started praying for me. I don’t remember exactly what she was praying, but I remember feeling the exact same way I did on Saturday night. I was oppressed, and the oppression lifted.
The past two days, I feel like I’ve been waking from a dream. The feeling of actually having energy to run errands after school yesterday was so foreign to me, I was quite befuddled. I just sat in the car marvelling at how energetic I felt. When it came time for bed, I actually did not feel like I was about to drop dead before I hit the bed. I was AWAKE! And not the kind of awake feeling I’ve had for so long that is the product of having so much on my mind that I can’t sleep. This awake-ness was a result of finally feeling rested. It felt abnormal.
Also on Saturday, my friend told me about a way to detox your body by using ginger in either a foot bath or regular bath. Well, being the all-or-nothing person that I am, I decided to take a regular bath with ginger on Sunday night. OH MY GOSH! Was it detoxifying! Either it was super effective, or I was a walking body full of toxins. It was probably the latter. She said that I would feel tired after taking it, but really, I felt worn out all of Monday. AND, to make matters more humorously complicated, when my body was detoxing, I was letting out all sorts of unwanted gas – coming out both ends. Yes, I said it. But for real, yesterday, after all the gross stuff finished its business, I felt AWESOME! I think mentally and emotionally, it had to do with the prayer I got on Saturday. But physically, it totally had to be the fact that I got so much “crap” out of my system from the ginger! Who knew? Not me.
And to top it all off, I had a follow up appointment with my foot doctor yesterday because of my surgery I had in December. I told him that as I was working out last week, I think I pulled some tendons in the top of my other foot as it was trying to overcompensate for my retarded surgicalled (yes, I made that up) foot. To help me, he put all sorts of tape on my foot to support it, and the most amazing thing happened. . .
My feet finally feel normal! Incredible what taping feet can do! My feet finally feel like they did almost 2 years ago before all this mess started with my feet.
So, I’m seriously just floating on a sea of grace right now. I feel amazing and I don’t ever want to feel oppressed again. It really, really, really stinks.
End scene.
Vapidness
Posted by: Kristine on: February 18, 2009
I’m really tired of being single. I guess the tendency to think about this always pops up around my birthday, which is next month – I’ll be 28. It’s not that I’m sad about getting old, it’s just that I’ve wanted to get married for over a decade now. I’m glad that it has taken this long – every year older I get, the more healing and transformation occurs within me, making it easier to get along with me.
It’s just that there’s this inner longing to be in a committed relationship where I can pour my life out. Maybe it’s that I don’t have close friends in the area that I can pour my life out to, so that need for me to sacrifice is lacking – especially in a relationship where I’m madly in love with the other person.
Going to these home groups makes the longing deeper. Vapid is the word that comes to mind when I meet with them. There’s no depth. Oh, that I could dive deep into the vast ocean of intimacy instead of wade in the vapid shallows of obligation. I want intimacy.
How long, Oh Lord, shall I wait for the desire of my heart to be fulfilled? How long must I wait and resign myself to spending my days getting nothing out of acquaintance relationships. Help. . .
Taken
Posted by: Kristine on: February 15, 2009
I wanted to write this entry in letter form. A month or two ago, my pastor was preaching and mentioned the movie, Taken, and how it’s so much a display of American independence – one man fights many others by himself to save his daughter that had been kidnapped. I thoroughly agree with the supposition that it’s a very American skewed movie in the way Liam Neeson takes on all the bad guys by himself with only his “special set of skills”. Very pompous in its expectation of the audience to believe all skills and moves he possessed is possible.
It’s interesting, however, how our own, individual perspectives bring an entirely different paradigm when viewing the very same thing. The following is a letter I’m debating whether to send to my pastor merely just to offer a different perspective in a fun, experience-sharing sort of way:
Dear Pastor,
I know that you have discussed with us about the point of the movie, Taken, being a vainglorious display of the American value of independence and doing things yourself. I am in total agreement with that perspective, but, just for fun, I wanted to offer you a different perspective coming from one who has had an entirely different set of experiences from which to view this movie.
Having grown up with an autistic father, I was never afforded the privilege of having a protective male guardian in which to instill in me the feelings of safety and security. With the idea in mind that God has set up the mother and father roles to be a picture to the children of the attributes of Himself, I have always had a hard time seeing God as a protective father. Compassionate, yes. Provisionary, yes. Protective, absolutely not. Verses such as Psalm 45 where it says, “Gird your sword upon your thigh, O Might One. . . Ride on for the cause of truth, humility, and righteousness. . .” have always stumped me in the fact that Jesus is this warrior. I’ve longed for that feeling of protectiveness, but it was still elusive. The verse in Isaiah 63 that says, “Who is this coming up from Bozrah with garments stained red. . .” is speaking of God judging the nations, but I never have understood that facet of His personality where he can be one hundred percent compassionate, but one hundred percent angry in His wrath. Or, to put it in other words, one hundred percent angry in His jealousy for His people. Once again, an elusive concept.
But that elusiveness truly began to lose its intangible ways when I saw the movie, Taken. For a woman who has never truly experienced the jealous protectiveness of a father, this movie moved me in deep, inexpressible ways. Yes, independence is grossly overstated in the actions of Liam Neeson, but if you look at it from a different perspective, from one where I have never understood what it looks like for God to be protective of me because my father never was, then Taken takes on a completely different message. Though Liam, in his humanness, could never be a clear and perfect picture of the nature of God, just like our parents cannot, it did give me a faint glimpse into how God, in his infinite and sovereign ways, can display his protectiveness over me, in that He will stop at nothing until I am fully and completely in His grasp. No sin can keep Him from me, just as no decision Liam’s daughter made could keep him from finding her. No enemy can hide me from His mighty right hand, just as no Albanian or sheik’s devices could come between Liam and his daughter.
God’s jealousy for His people, the Israelites, took on a whole other light from how I viewed it before. The Mighty One, with His sword girded upon His thigh will stop at nothing until His people, even me, live in truth, humility, and righteousness. The One whose garments are stained red has refused to let pagan and depraved nations stand in His way of having relationship with His people. And so He goes to war. And so blood is shed. But what is the goal? What is the prize? His Beloved. His jealousy is beyond compare. His protectiveness reaches far beyond the paltry grasp of the enemies. He is a Good Father.
Even though I’ve always known in my head the truth of the above facts, I have never truly experienced it in my heart. It was not true reality to me until I saw a human picture of the lengths a protective Father will go to in order to save the one He loves. His love is protective. His love is jealous. His love will not relent. And I am a more secure and settled woman because of that revelation.
I hope this brings another fun yet enlightening perspective of this interesting movie. Thanks!
Kristine
They’re not just Laws. . .
Posted by: Kristine on: February 10, 2009
In an earlier post, I wrote about the 10 commandments with the premise that these are not just laws but a picture of Jesus. If they are a list of what God HATES, then we can infer a list of what he LOVES based on the opposite of the law. I just wanted to finish the list since I left off at murder, #6.
#7 You will not commit adultery. I watched a movie this weekend called He’s Just Not That Into You, and it was a wonderful commentary on society today and its values. One of the numerous characters was an unhappily married man – big suprise – who meets a gorgeous woman at the supermarket and commences with a heated affair. This really seems to be a clear representation of how the world lives its life. I’m unhappy; my spouse does not meet my needs. It’s time to move on to someone else. The gorgeous woman’s friend even encourages her to continue the affair by telling her a story of how a man divorced his wife because he met another woman. He married this woman and they’d been married quite happily for over 20 years.
Just like that. It’s so easy to move on. Of *course* there’s no baggage attached to this schizophrenic decision; of *course* there’s no hard feelings. That’s what we tell ourselves, right? Have you ever noticed how much we lie to ourselves? We lie to cope, lie to manipulate, lie to get what we want. In the end it’s all about us. What can I get from life to satiate this internal thirst for more?
In the past few years, I have been thoroughly enamored with the book of the Bible, Hosea, especially when a certain favorite pastor of mine speaks about it. I wish I could add in an audio clip of his sermon about this topic, but I will try to explain it without his words.
Hosea is a prophet. No, he did not choose to be one, God just decided that he would be one. He tells Hosea to go and marry a prostitute named Gomer. I wish I knew more about Hebrew culture to understand this relationship, but Gomer, whether she wanted to be in this marriage or not, did not stay faithful. She constantly prostituted herself out to other men, and even had children by those other men.
What captures me the most by this story is not that Hosea was so valiant that he chose to draw Gomer out of her life of prostitution and deign to marry her, continuing his ostensibly fruitless quest to keep her faithful. No. My heart has continually been captured by the fact that no matter how many times Gomer remains unfaithful, God tells Hosea in so many words to “GO AGAIN!” (this is where the audio clip would come in handy). Each time Gomer prostitutes herself, Hosea goes again to lift her up out of her dismal existence.
The entire book of Hosea is only an allegory for God’s relationship with Israel (and ultimately, us (Ephesians 3:6)). It was Israel that was prostituting itself to other religions and gods. God, in His jealousy, showed Himself faithful to an adulterous people and continually went after HIS OWN people. And then the best part, He allures them (Hosea 2:14); He speaks tenderly to them (Hosea 2:14). God doesn’t condemn them or ream them for their whoredom. He hedges their way with thorns (H 2:6) so that when they stray, it is not easy but immensely painful.
Pain is not always a punishment. It can be a tool, much like a sculptor must use sharp tools in order to perfect his sculpture. God, who is FAITHFUL, will not relent until we are wholly His, even if that means starving us out and surrounding us with thorns. But within those boundaries, His voice is tender and alluring, relentless and commanding.
He is faithful, so how can He stand adultery? We have the living God dwelling within us. It is within His ability in us to create faithfulness, so that we, too, can stand and say, “I once was lost, but now am found. I will stand faithful.”
Well, I’m not done. Again. That just means I’ll continue later. Hooray!
Locked Garden
Posted by: Kristine on: January 29, 2009
- In: Jesus| church| joy
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Monday night rekindled my hope for community in Dallas. Since February of 2008, I’ve lived in Dallas and have had the hardest time finding friends. I guess “hardest time” is relative, since I’m comparing it to two other places I’ve lived that were places set up for hanging out and going deep with others. The first was my church in Waco which, first of all, had community as a core value and pastors that were superior examples that most everyone followed, and second Waco was a college town and so had an abnormal amount of single people in one place looking for people to hang out with after spending hours in classes or studying. The second place was in Kansas City – this place was also geared towards many single people having time to hang out, though this was more because of everyone having a pretty open schedule to hang out because of the nature of the job.
In summation, I’ve spent seven out of the ten years I’ve lived away from my parents in places that have a lot of single people with the time and vision for building a community. People here have a different story. There is still community, but it takes A LOT longer for the relationships within that community to go deep with each other. Part of it is lack of vision placed within them for what true community is, part is that most are married and/or have jobs with strict schedules. I’ve been in two different home groups for four months and am just now going deep with the women I’ve been getting to know. That’s unusual for me. Four months is a long time in my experience for people to go deep. But we finally did! And my heart is happy.
It began with vulnerability. In the past, I’ve learned that if someone will be honest enough to share from the depths, in the right setting it will create feelings of security and openness for others to be vulnerable. Over dinner, I just shared some fears and insecurities I’ve had in the past in reference to events that happened that day, and suddenly all the other girls felt that it was ok to be honest not only with the rest of us, but also with themselves. Because I put my inner insecurities on the line, one girl was even able to say, “I’ve never really admitted this to anyone” when telling us about herself, which tells me it has been hidden in her heart but never given an outlet.
It says somewhere in the Bible that confession heals (something to that effect). I’ve heard statistics that say Catholics are the least likely religion to struggle with depression. Why? Because they go to confession. They have someone to whom they can spill their deep secrets who will not stand in judgment but only listen. Protestants of all denominations do not have that. In our religiousness, especially in the south, we feel like we’re expected to act a certain way to be considered a good Christian. Load of crap! There is no way to BE a good Christian because that assumes that our own beings are at the center of it all. We are not the point. It’s the life of Jesus within us. If we stall out from the fact that we’re not acting in the correct way because we call ourselves Christians, we have lost sight of the fact of why we have to confess our weakness – it’s so that Jesus can make His life known in us, not so we can stand and say how awesome we are in being morally sound. We must confess! We must create communities where people feel ok being open about the fact that they are completely broken and don’t know how to find freedom.
It is in conversations like those held in our group of four on Monday that hold the true expression of community and unity of the Church. It is conversations like those that create an inner joy in me beyond that found in a good meal or accomplishment well met. The simplicity of joy found in that conversation was strong enough to cause exquisite glee to follow me even into the next day. It was as if four broken down walled-up gardens sat longing to be broken out and found beautiful when out of the mist the sun rose piercing them with rays of hope infused with restoration. Let the Son rise!
Boogey-man and Abominable Snowman
Posted by: Kristine on: January 14, 2009
The other day, I posted a status on facebook saying, Kristine is wishing the boogey-man and abominable snowman will stop sitting on her head and be demolished, abolished, and excommunicated forever and ever. Amen. I’m really struggling. Because my school is closing, all these feelings of insecurity and inadequacy are popping up. Oh, I know those evil fears (that I have dubbed Boogey-man and Abominable snowman) of mine have been lurking under my surface, but they just have not had a huge reason to come out and play.
Trying to get into graduate school and not knowing what I’m doing next year have certainly given them ample reason to stomp upon my head.
But no longer. One of my dear friends offered to pray for me this weekend, and I really haven’t struggled with those fears since. But today, I came upon the blog of a dear pastor of mine, and I was at once encourage and emboldened to face these plagues.
He said, “As a general rule, I love the leadership of Jesus and really believe that His ways are “just and true” (Rev. 15:3). I’m sold at a deep level that the way of weakness – fasting and prayer, giving and forgiving, serving and loving with abandonment to my own self-indulgent, self-absorbed ways – is the wisest and best way for a man to live out his days. I’m not even thinking in terms of gritting my teeth and earning a reward for my obedience – I’m thinking in terms of “wisdom will be justified by her children” (Matt. 11:19). In other words, in the here and now, I believe that the story of my life will testify to the superior nature of God’s divine order and wisdom. . .
. . . [But] I hate [weakness]. I’m not even ambivalent or lukewarm about this point. My heart is a torrent of activity with little rest or peace – my soul is a storm of frustration – because I don’t like the weakness of waiting, the weakness of dependant trust in the leadership of Jesus, the brokenness of dependency, and the simplicity of foolish silence that seems to be costing me much in the short-term. And it is. That’s the bigger frustration – it actually, truly is costing me something in the short-term to wait for God to break through and have His way in these types of situations.”
So, I am truly encouraged. I don’t know what is going to happen in the short term, but I can win the victory in laying down my own vain strugglings and positionings for success b/c there is literally nothing I can do. But what a wonderful place to be in! I now get to sit back and watch the goodness and provision of the Lord actually be worked out in my life, so much so, that my life is a testimony to the truths that the scripture screams to us but that we hardly have an ear to hear for all our whining and martyristic lamentations.
I have the privilege in this season to be silent and let His LIFE be formed in me. I have the honor of being a wonder to others as they see that His truth is not only foundational in my life but experiential! HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS AND HE WILL DO WHAT HE SAID HE WILL DO! In me.
That is wholly worth my present sufferings.
Story Time with Jesus, Part 3
Posted by: Kristine on: January 8, 2009
It’s been probably over a year since I’ve had story time with Jesus. Since I’m trying to avoid work at the moment, I’m writing another one.
This story commences during my Junior year of college.
Background: My whole life I’ve struggled with my weight. It’s been an up and down thing, and, thanks to several woundings in the past, it has always (in the past) caused me to feel very insecure.
This year of college was my hardest – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. All of the above. I started writing this “victory journal” so I could catalog all the victories I had during the year – this was done mostly because I was so beat up spiritually that it was really hard not to fall into depression and feel like crap all the time.
One day, I was sitting in one of the school’s cafeterias, by myself, studying for a test that I was having next. I saw several of my friends that I sometimes eat with a few tables over, but I really needed to study for that test. As it was nearing time to leave, one of my friends (a really hot guy) comes over and gives me an ice cream cone, just to be nice. These girls, that I didn’t know, sitting in front of me are all like, “Awww, how come no guy ever does stuff like that for me?!” And it was an incredible self-esteem boost for me. And, I knew, it was a gift from Jesus.
In order to understand that way of thinking, you have to realize that I’m not ugly by any stretch, but I surely thought I was at the time. I had never had a boyfriend or anybody even remotely interested in me. The lie that I was believing wholeheartedly at that time was, “You’re fat and ugly; no one will ever want to date you.” So, for a guy, and not only a guy but a hot guy (even though he was just a friend – but those girls didn’t know that), to come over and give me food (realize food and “fat and ugly” were intricately entertwined in my mind as to why no one was ever interested in me) was an incredible miracle to my warped mind.
And I know it was Jesus because He knew those lies that I was believing in my head and knew that some hot guy giving me an ice cream cone would be a way of speaking truth louder than any words that I am not undesirable because I’m fat and ugly, but people actually like me! I can’t tell you how profound that one simple act was to me. Thinking about it makes me so thankful for Jesus lavishing His immeasurable love on me in that instance. It was nothing in the grand scheme of things, but He knew. And He undoubtedly cared. Thank you, Jesus. 
I Got Excited!
Posted by: Kristine on: January 7, 2009
So, I started going to this new home group at a church I’ve been going to for a few months. I’m really enjoying it. We were having a conversation about predestination last week. Although this is a topic I don’t really spend a whole lot of time thinking about, I really had fun listening to people sit there and try to figure it out.
In the midst of that conversation, our home group leader had us switch over to talk about the 10 commandments and what the promises of God are in those laws. I admit, I’ve never really thought about the 10 commandments being promises, but then I just sat there and thought about it; the revelation I was getting just by thinking of it got me excited! God reveals his nature in the 10 Commandments and I didn’t even know it! Here are some of my thoughts as to the revelation of Jesus’ character:
1. No Other Gods Before Me: Jesus is the only one we need! If we don’t need another god to pray to for wisdom, or love, or mirth, or marriage, then that means that Jesus is our sufficiency. We should not have any other gods before Him because He is all we need! He’s complete and head over our mind, body, soul, and spirit!
2. No Idols: in this God mentions that He is jealous. This verse seems to point back to how marriage is an earthly symbol of our union with Jesus (makes me think of Proverbs where it says “jealousy is a husband’s fury”). He desires that we be united with Him and Him alone. He is faithful to us and wants us to be the same way. He is only united with humans. He has only put Himself within us, not any other created being!
3. No Misuse of God’s name: I don’t really have a whole lot of revelation on this one. Jesus says His name is above every other name and every knee will bow in the end to it. He places a huge significance on names in the OT. Name changes in a covenant and naming children as a symbol of Israel’s relationship w/ God. So, all I can think is that we’ve lost sight of the importance of a name. Our name is a picture of who we are just as it is with Jesus, so when we defame his name, we are defaming His character. His name is who He is and who we are found in as his Bride.
4. Sabbath Day: OK, this is just a thought. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. I know that the Sabbath Day was for a day of rest. It reminds me of this sermon this pastor I love gave about homeostasis. Well, it wasn’t a whole sermon on homeostasis, but he mentioned it. That is, the way God has set up the laws of nature is everything must be in balance. If our planet gets too hot, our atmosphere gets holes in it. If we don’t drink enough water, we’ll dehydrate. Everything must be in balance. Well, what if having a Sabbath Day is not just for making us keep things holy but to be a picture of Jesus and how He is in balance all the time. He can be 100% delighted in the Israelites while pouring out His wrath on their sins. He is in balance. Well, maybe He set up a “sabbath” because that is our human way of staying in balance? This is just conjecture, mind you, but if the 10 Commandments are really showing us the character and nature of God, then the Sabbath is speaking of Jesus!
5. Honor father and mother: well, there’s already a promise in that verse – “that your days may be long upon the earth”, so it seems to me that Jesus places an important emphasis on the parent. From my own experience, I know that if my heart is not in a place of showing honor/respect to my parents, then I am cutting off a conduit of grace and blessing from the Lord. Once again, from my experience, our parents are the ones who are to train us and be a picture to us of who God is. Since we live in such a warped society, it seems hard to think this as true, but I know that because for many years I had a warped view of who God was because my own father, in his weakness, did not know how to father me well and so gave me an erroneous picture of God. A parents job is not to coddle us and make us happy, but to point us to the leadership of God. By honoring our father and mother, we have a better idea of how to honor God.
7. Murder. This one seems easy to me. Murdering is taking the importance off of life and putting it on death. It is devaluing life. From the very being of God pours forth life. His IS life. In Revelation 4, it talks about an “emerald rainbow encircling the throne”. I was meditating on that one day, asking, “why green? why not multicolored like the rainbows we know?” I finally had a revelation that it was because green is a symbol of life and life exudes from the person of Jesus.
OK, I’ll write about the last 3 in another post. This entry is being posted in January, but just so you know, I started it at the beginning of December. It’s been sitting in my drafts for a month. Oops!
